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What attracts us to our loved ones is what ends up repelling us.

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psychotherapy coupleRelationships are funny things. No two are alike and yet, at the same time, all share many similarities as well. One such similarity we all share in are times of frustration with our loved ones.

I often speak with couples having hard times in their relationships or marriages and they often sound quite clear on what their partner is doing that is flaring up their frustrations. At some point I always ask what it was that first attracted them to their partners and what they initially fell in love with and, like clock work, their answers reveal that the things they loved and cherished in each other, as they fell in love, were the same qualities that frustrate them now.

For example, seven years ago John fell in love with Louise; he loved how care free she was and how spontaneous and in the moment she could be. He was much more ordered and practical and was more used to a life well planned out, a life without too many surprises. John was attracted to those qualities in Louise, which he himself would have liked to possess.

Louise, on the other hand, fell in love with John’s solidity. He was grounded, stable and practical, all qualities which she was attracted to which she wasn’t accessing in herself, and qualities which were needed to balance her out.

Now fast-forward seven years. John is frustrated with Louise and needs her to change. In his mind she is inconsistent with her commitments and responsibilities and he is angry that he can’t rely on her to do things when he feels they need to be done in the home. As a result he is feeling unsupported and let down. He wishes that she could be better planned and fly less by the seat of her pants.

Louise, on the other hand, is feeling squashed and forced to live in a way that doesn’t suit her style of being. She wants John to ease up and take more risks in life. She is bored with the blandness of their relationship and wants more excitement with him.

This is typical example of how the qualities that attract couples end up eroding the warmth they have for each other. As a result of this, the qualities which partners fell in love with often become the same qualities they try to change about each other.

In my line of work as a couple’s counsellor, I often find myself saying to one or both partners, “That’s not going to happen”, or “He is not going to give you that”. Couples are often startled to find that I don’t roll up my sleeves and help them change their partners.

When couples find themselves in the situation of trying to change their partners so they feel better about themselves the role of therapy is to interrupt this trance rather than empathise and support with their needs to change the other.

The undeniable truth with relationships is that those we love are also our burdens. Too often we just want to take the parts that work for us right now and leave the rest of them in the bottom drawer.

For many couples, the magic bullet to getting back on track with their marriage and finding more harmony again is to be able to look at their partner and say, “this is who they are, and this is who they will continue to be”. Once this is acknowledged, a different and scarier reality is seen by each of them.

At this point couples often see that they struggle to love each other for who they truly are; eventually this leads to a more useful and practical question to ponder, and that is “How do I learn to live with this person for who they truly are, while living with who I truly am too”?. And the answer to this is, of course, will be different for us all.

 

Shampoo and Conditioner Alternatives

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no pooFor many years now I have tried to eliminate unnecessary chemicals in my life, this included switching to natural alternatives for shampoo, conditioner, face wash, moisturiser, deodorant, body wash, make up and tooth paste. Some of these products have been great and worked really well, and others have had a less than average effect on my skin or hair.

Now that I am pregnant, it’s even more important to me to be avoiding as many harsh chemicals as possible.

Over the next few months I will be writing about my experiences with different beauty regimes.

 

This month – hair!

I have always had fairly oily hair and moving to natural shampoos didn’t help that at all. In recent years I have also had pimples in my scalp, which can be rather painful and uncomfortable. So I was getting a bit frustrated with frequent washing of my hair, having thick and long hair it would take all day to dry naturally.

So after some internet browsing I found a possible solution that gave me a little hope. It’s called the “no poo” method, and no it’s not constipation. It involves using baking soda as a shampoo alternative and for the conditioner an apple cider vinegar (ACV) rinse.

This method is not only beneficial for oily hair, but also dry, curly and frizzy hair.

The idea is that the more you wash your hair, the more the natural oils are removed, so your scalp over produces extra oils and you need to wash your hair more. It’s great for shampoo sales but not so great for your scalp. Our ancestors certainly didn’t wash their hair every day or 2, and over the last hundred years the washing has become more and more frequent.

A brief how to;

  • Mix 1 tablespoon baking soda with a cup of water for the shampoo
  • Mix 1 tablespoon ACV with a cup of water for the conditioning rinse
  • Brush your hair daily with a bristle brush to distribute hairs away from the scalp
  • Try to extend your hair washing day by 1 each wash so the oils have a chance to rebalance

There are alternatives you can use, such as egg for the shampoo and lemon juice, honey and tea for the conditioner. I did find the honey made my hair oily though so I am sticking with ACV.

My experience has been mostly positive, with a few headband/scarf days when I was at day 4-5. It’s a bit tough at
the time as I hate the feeling of dirty hair, but if you can get through these days it is supposed to make a big difference.

I had been going for about a month and was up to hair washing on day 5 or 6, then went to the (organic) hair dresser for a trim and didn’t want to miss out on the lovely scalp massage so also had shampoo and conditioner. I took a big step backwards after that and feel like I had to retrain my scalp! I think next time I will just be upfront with the hairdresser and ask them just to wet it for the cut. After the hairdresser I am now back to every 5 to 6 days, and interested to see if I can push it further. Some “no poo-ers” get to the point that they don’t even use the baking soda rinse anymore and might just rinse with water a few times a year.

I know many males that never shampoo their hair, and might just rinse it with water every few weeks. I have never noticed oily hair on them, even with all the gel they use.

So all in all I would say this has been a successful experiment, I am washing my hair half as often, I no longer have pimples in my scalp and my hair feels softer and cleaner (for the first few days anyway). It does get a bit stinky on Day 5-6, but hopefully this will get less and less.

For more information refer to;
http://www.nopoomethod.com/

 

How does Acupuncture work?

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acupuncture-pointsIt might seem bizarre that inserting needles into various points on the body can influence the way our cells work. But a lot of research shows this is the case.

One of the areas most studied is the pain-killing effect of acupuncture. We have known for some time now that acupuncture affects nerve conduction within the spinal cord. The basis of the theory is that acupuncture stimulation ‘closes a gate’ within the spinal cord, preventing pain signals from travelling up the spinal cord and getting to the brain.

Beyond this, we also know that acupuncture has hormonal effects. Researchers initially noted that when people addicted to narcotic drugs (like heroin or morphine) had surgery using acupuncture as anaesthesia, they did not experience the withdrawal syndrome that you’d usually expect when the narcotics were stopped. This is because endorphins, the chemicals released by the brain when you exercise that are responsible for the “feel-good” phenomenon, are also released during acupuncture. This effect can be blocked with an endorphin-blocking drug.

We also know that acupuncture increases blood flow at the site needled, probably through local release of biochemically active substances.

Do meridians really exist?

According to Traditional Chinese Medicine, energy (Qi) flows through the body along pathways or meridians, and acupuncture influences this flow. These meridian lines are depicted in texts that are at least 2000 years old.

Scientists have found that electrical resistance of the skin is much lower at acupuncture points (which are mainly situated along the meridians) than other points. This supports the idea of a flow of electrical energy through the body along meridians, which can be accessed via the skin at the acupuncture points.

 

acupuncture meridiansBut has science found any other evidence that meridians exist?

One study injected radioactive tracer molecules into acupuncture points (on meridians) and random points not on meridians. At the acupuncture points, the tracer travelled in a line consistent with the traditional description of the meridian, whereas it just diffused outwards at the non-meridian point.

When we look down a conventional microscope, meridians have been elusive. But some studies using electron microscopy (giving a much more magnified view in which individual cells can be seen) have shown thread-like structures within lymphatics, within blood vessels, on the surface of organs, and elsewhere. These structures appeared to contain fluid and may be the meridians described in ancient texts.

Although further research into this is required, the preliminary findings are fascinating. Clearly we are only just beginning to understand the science behind what the ancient texts described thousands of years ago.

 

NET and Pregnancy

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Pregnancy-chiropracticWe have all heard the stories of couples trying to have babies for years and years without any luck. Often times these couples try with undying focus and commitment. Making sure that ovulation is timed to the hour, that their diets are organic, in bed by 9pm every night and that they swallow so many supplements they almost rattle. And then after several years of fruitless trying, disappointed and sad, they take a break from trying, go on holidays, and then surprisingly realise they are pregnant once they return from their trip.

There’s nothing new about this story, in fact its been told and heard so many times its probably a good idea to look as what is actually going on there. How is it that for many couples that struggle to fall pregnant, all the effort, planning and commitment in the world brings no results, but when they let it all go and focus on something else, a baby is on the way?

Enter the theories of the Quantum world. In recent decades the field of Quantum physics has taught us a lot about how our intentions and thoughts impact the cellular and biological structure of our bodies. We have learnt that the smaller the biological structure, the more easily our thoughts, emotions and intentions influence it. For example, we know that when we feel happy, neurotransmitters are created and up taken in the brain. Said another way, our happiness biologically creates chemicals. Just like when we feel fear, our body creates a reaction whereby adrenalin is produced. So our fear is a creative process also. On some level, all our thoughts, emotions and beliefs are creative within our biology.

So, how does this relate to pregnancy? If our beliefs, thoughts and emotions can create hormones and neurotransmitters and alter cellular structures in our body, is it possible that they can also influence ones ability to fall pregnant or not? N.E.T practitioners answer with a resounding YES!

A woman’s beliefs and emotions, conscious or unconscious, seem to have a powerful relationship to challenges with falling pregnant. The simplest example of this is when a woman becomes stressed, sometimes her reproductive cycle changes, and under high stress, the menstrual cycle can even stop.

Beyond common stress, there are more subtle emotional influences that don’t necessarily stop the menstrual cycle but can inhibit and stop one becoming pregnant. With NET the practitioner uses muscle testing as a diagnostic tool to discover what emotions are blocked within the system, and where they are stored within the body. Once these are cleared the reproductive system can regulate normally once again.

Some common examples of the typical kinds of emotions that have blocked the reproductive system are;

  • Being unconsciously fearful that a newborn will mean the end of their much-revered career.
  • Unconsciously feeling that one will not be a “good enough” mother.
  • Having been raised by parents that were abusive, fearing that the cycle will continue.
  • Fearing not knowing how to attend to a baby due to not having been attended to well when they were a baby also.
  • Fearing that there will not be enough space, time or support (for mother or child) if one was to fall pregnant.
  • Unconsciously buying into the “rules” of the family that the older sister must give birth before I can fall pregnant.
  • A belief that my child will be somehow different if I fall pregnant through IVF.

These memories, beliefs and emotions are stored in the body at a cellular level and bind the body into biological structures that inhibit and stop reproduction. Typically these emotions will also enhance or inhibit hormone levels within the body, which we know to be a key factor in successful pregnancy. Once the emotions and beliefs are discovered and released as a cellular level, their influence on hormones is also released, and their hold over the reproductive system is removed.

 

Neuro Emotional Technique can be effective with early life upsets and traumas?

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baby

As much as there has been a prolific amount of neuroscientific research into how the brain influences and controls memory, there has been a growing amount of research that supports the likelihood that memory is actually stored at a cellular level within the body. This finding has some exciting implications for how we think about changing, growing and healing as people, especially with respect to early or childhood trauma or abuse.

Memory Making

Research shows that, on average, a child can start to make real and accessible memories from around the age of 2 years old. This is because at this time the infant can start to think and communicate with the world, and think with themselves using basic language and thinking, a sense of meaning or story can start to be encoded within their experiences and therefore their memories.

It was previously believed that prior to this time in an infant’s life, memories were not actually formed due to the infant not yet possessing these basic cognitive assets. Research now shows that prior to 2, infants still hold memories but they are encoded differently. Rather than having images, or sounds or stories attached to their memories, they seem to be simply stored at a cellular level of the body as emotions. Simply put, the first 2 years of an infant’s memories are not memories in the sense that we understand typical memories to be, they are more like emotional memories.

Memory recall

We all know that certain stimuli can trigger specific memories. The smell of freshly baked bread can remind us of an earlier time where Mum used to make bread, or the smell of petrol can remind us of Dad’s work shed. Typically these memories are encoded in the form of pictures, sounds and often feelings. But our pre-cognitive memories are also triggered by events in our every day life too. The challenge here is that when these memories are accessed and recalled they do not come back as memories from the past, they can be experienced as emotions that seem to be from the present moment. In other words, because there is no story, picture or cognitive concept of the memory that links to their triggered feelings, often a person will not realise they are in fact recalling a memory, and will in fact think that the feeling Is emerging from something that’s happening right now In their environment. This point becomes increasingly important if there was early trauma in a person’s life, as these memories can come back as very powerful and unwanted experiences.

An example could be when a baby girl was given out for adoption at 6 weeks old. The baby intuitively stores their sense of grief and abandonment at a cellular level but with no cognitive story or meaning attached to the feelings of abandonment, it then becomes difficult for her to understand where these feelings come from when they are triggered later in adult life.
As an adult, if she’s faced with a situation where she has to say goodbye to a work colleague who is moving on to another company, she can suddenly become overcome with a disproportionately large amount of grief and sense of abandonment. In this moment she thinks that the current circumstance is the cause of their grief and abandonment, yet in reality the current circumstance is just a trigger for the very young and powerful cellular memory of being abandoned by her biological mother. For this person, there is no link in their mind between the emotion of abandonment and the original event of being abandoned.

Understanding, resolving and releasing these very early emotions can be difficult due to the fact that there is no cognitive memory involved. The person cannot think back and link their emotions to very early events and understand how and why they are overcome with powerful feelings.

Cellular memory transmission

Over the last 30 years, many researchers have shown that our early memories go back even further than birth!!!
As far back as the 1970’s, there has been research into the fact that a fetus can pick up on, and respond to, the emotions and the intentions of the mother carrying the baby, and those close to her, such as the father and extended family. Research suggests that both babies and fetuses are porous to other people’s emotions and actually take these on as their own. For example, if a mother, while pregnant, is angry and resentful at the fact that she feels too young to be a mother, the fetus actually stores the memory of feeling unwanted at a cellular level. Later in life the person has no possible way of connecting up the reason why they continue feel so unwanted and disconnected from others. Once again, the person thinks that what they experience as an adult now is a feeling caused from something occurring now, without seeing what they experience is actually an early stuck cellular memory being recalled.

In such instances, NET (Neuro Emotional Technique) gets powerful results in not only accessing these emotions, but in allowing the body to process them and let them go. NET works with the body’s natural intelligence and energy flows to pin point the times when the emotional memory was stored in the body’s cells, as well as where in the body the emotion primarily resides, and then quickly and painlessly helps the client to process and let it go with through the use of acupuncture and meridian points. The process is often so powerful that unwanted and life long patterns of behavior suddenly stop without the client having to try to change. The cycle in the mind body connection is broken and the person just moves on.

What types of early trauma can NET assist with?

  • Alcoholic or addicted parents when a child was young
  • Early violence or parental neglect
  • Dysfunctional or destructive parental relationships
  • Divorce while the child was young
  • Early childhood sexual abuse
  • Early adoption
  • Death of a parent or sibling while very young