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Why “Not Being Like Our Parents” is hard to achieve

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psychotherapy father sonIn my sessions the thing I hear from many clients is “I don’t want to turn out like my father”, or “I am not going to treat my son like my mother treated me”.

It’s common for people who had difficult relationships with their parents to hold such views. The challenge for many people is that “not being like one’s parents” can be a difficult task to achieve.

 

What makes us similar to our parents?

There are many influences to the development and forming of an adult personality and genetics aside, much of this influence comes from those who raise us.  In family and systems therapies, there is a term called “Multi Generational Transmission process”; this is a term that describes the process of how a developing person takes on attributes and qualities from their family of origin and makes these qualities and attributes their own.  Most often the qualities of a parent, which they are not aware of, are the qualities the parent tends to project onto their child. For example, a mother, who is not aware of how they may manipulate their spouse, could begin to see these same learnt manipulative qualities in their child and then come to the conclusion they have a manipulative offspring.  The offspring, being told over and over not to be so manipulative ends up swallowing the fact that they must be the manipulative one in the family and they begin to view themselves in the same light as the mother does.  Typically this locks into place a dynamic where the mother and child only see the child to be the manipulative one and in this, the mother’s own manipulative traits stay out of her awareness.

 

The shadow of the unseen parent

When we vow never to be like our parents in some way we deny the fact that we hold the same capacity to do the same things that they did. Often this stifles much more of the person than only the parts they are trying to avoid. For example, a man who grew up with a father who was very angry may vow never to be angry for they know how damaging this can be to a child. Over time, this person loses their sense of power, as power cannot be developed in a person without the correct use of their natural anger. In negotiations they are more likely to back down whenever things get tense, for fear of being angry, and in doing so they set up a pattern of not getting what they need. The tail end of this is that the longer they go without getting what they need, the angrier they are likely to become. And eventually the person will explode, allowing their anger to rise. After this they typically feel remorseful for the way they showed their anger in negotiating their needs and they vow never to be angry again, which leaves the anger once again building and building and thus the cycle continues.

Unfortunately, denying these aspects of oneself is like shaking a bottle of Pepsi and leaving the lid on. The pressure builds and when the lid is twisted just a little bit, half the can fizzes out and it makes a real mess, just as we do with blocked anger, fear, grief and other disowned feelings and aspects of ourselves.

The real tell tale sign this is happening is when I hear somebody say “ that wasn’t like me at all to get so upset/scared/angry about this” . This statement reveals that the parts of the person that “fizz over”, to use the pepsi analogy, have not been recognised as part of who this person is.

 

How can one move on from unliked and unwanted family traits?

As I mentioned, the aspects of oneself that are resisted and denied become interrupted in their organic development and are misunderstood and lost to their owners. Many people think that by accepting those traits similar to our parents will mean defeat, giving in, or it will be a cop out to just accept being like them.

What is often misunderstood in these situations is that by accepting those parts, we don’t end the journey we actually begin the journey.

When we meet those parts that are like our parent, without trying to change or judge them, we then have the opportunity to move and grow as a person, which often means those traits actually change over time as the person, and those aspects within them, develop.

So the paradox is that if one wants to truly change the parts of them selves that are like their parents, the first step is to accept the ways in which they are like their parents.

When we deny these parental traits, it’s like trying to travel somewhere by reading a road map while not knowing where we are starting from. It becomes impossible to take the first step. And the first step, as it is in many forms of personal development and healing, is to accept it.

Its only when the disowned parts of oneself are acknowledged and accepted that there is then room for these parent-created pasts to move and change. Once the denied aspect is allowed a voice and a place in oneself, the true needs and requirements of that aspect typically emerges.

For example if it’s the parental anger which has been finally owned and accepted by the off spring as their own, what typically occurs is an understanding of what the person was really trying to achieve through the anger. Once this is realised the anger changes form and the person becomes different with their anger in themselves and behaves differently with their anger in relationship with others. Ultimately, the more we resist those parts of ourselves that behave similar to our parents, the more we actually stay like them. And the more we can accept these parts as our own the more likely we can grow and evolve them.

Teenager boys – Anger, powerlessness and rage.

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psychotherapy teenage boyTeenage boys face many challenges as they navigate adolescence and one of the biggest is how they navigate their emerging anger and aggressions.

Often, as a teenagers testosterone levels increase and biologically they are faced with an increase in their aggression and anger; how well they have been set up through their life to navigate these often primal and powerful feelings will determine whether they assimilate this energy as an adult ; either in a positive and assertive way, or whether they become stuck and powerless or rage-full and uncontrolled.

 

The Primal disconnection.

There are many ways in which a coming of age male learns to disconnect from their anger. Helping them to understand how this came about and facilitating a safe and constructive way of using it, allows new choices for them which ultimately has them once again accepting their anger and being able to assert themselves to get what they need in life.

So how is it that boys disconnect from their anger in the first place?

Some of the main ways this disconnect occurs comes from their own experiences of anger, how they experience anger from others and what beliefs come from this.

One belief I face often from teenage boys is that anger is wrong, or not allowed.

If a child has experienced their parents fight in destructive and even violent ways, or if the child has been victim of misplaced anger or rage from another, then the boy often creates a rule in himself that will ensure such situations do not occur again in their own life. This rule is generally “ anger is bad, if I become angry then I am bad”, or “ I must stay away from anger because it’s dangerous”. Such a belief underpins their anger and stops them from accessing it. Even when the anger is accessed they will typically move away from it quickly to avoid, in their estimation, “being bad”, or that they feel suddenly “too dangerous”. The result of such a block is that the boys lose something of their own personal power. So in the school yard, this boy will end up conceding in all manner of ways to the boys who are in full charge of asserting their will and their needs. Ultimately this results in a teenager who struggles to both ask for what he needs and to stand up for what he believes.

The flip side to this block can be like a rage filled pressure cooker where the boys anger, although not allowed, grows and grows until a single instance brings all the anger out at once. Typically this is experienced as uncontrollable rage and the boy, rather than feeling in control with his anger, feels powerless to his anger, which further confirms their belief that anger is bad. The more this cycle continues the worse the rage gets and the stronger their belief anger is bad.

In either case, the way forward is in helping the teenager experience their anger in new ways. In therapy, talking about the rules and beliefs of their anger is often a starting point but its typically not enough. What I’ve often found is that the teenager needs to have an actual experience of their anger that produces a different and positive result, so they can start to understand anger’s usefulness when used assertively.

This approach requires the therapist to be in a solid relationship with the young man while they access their anger, to be able to truly hear the needs under then anger, to demonstrate that their anger can be held and that they are still accepted once their anger arises. Being able to provide this setting allows quite a sudden and powerful reframing of anger and typically frees the teenager to be in control of his own anger.

Once it is achieved the teenager has some quite predictable changes in their life. They feel more comfortable with peers and less focused on pecking orders within social groups. They feel less anxious in themselves and become more expressive in social settings, and they are also free from recurring angry thoughts, which were previously caught up in their blocked anger.

What I find most interesting about this process is that once they have finally experienced their anger in more positive ways, within 1 or 2 sessions they share that they do not need to return and that life is now somehow back on track.

The eternal parenting challenge

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parenting2When our children face adolescence and the inevitable struggle with this transition, the best way we can help them is often to help ourselves!

A famous poet wrote :
“I see no hope for the future of our people if they are dependent on frivolous youth of today, for certainly all youth are reckless beyond words… When I was young, we were taught to be discreet and respectful of elders, but the present youth are exceedingly [disrespectful] and impatient of restraint”

Surprisingly, this was written in the 8th century by Hesiod, a greek poet.

It seems that just as our Gen Y children think that they are the first generation to break free of the status quo of their parents ways of life, the parents of today’s children think they are the first generation to face such a prolific generation gap with their children. The truth is neither are the first to face this. The truth is ; this gap between parent and child has occurred through all previous generations ; it is inevitble and this gap grows during adolescence.

Ultimately this coming of age process, that adolescents and parents both struggle with, is less of a problem to be fixed and more of a right of passage that parent and child need to acknowledge as an essential and unavoidable phase of development. To the degree it is negotiated well, it forms the foundations of adulthood within the child.

The task for parents here is finding useful ways of negotiating through what can often become a very charged and confusing period of parenting.

Of course there are as many ways to negotiate adolescance as there are children ,and yet regardless of a parnet’s approach, there are some useful dynamics to consider through this process.

To put the teenage to adult transition into perspective here are some of the major milestones and developmental tasks faced by adolescents.

  • Aquiring more mature relations, same and other sex, in their age group.
  • Resolving their masculine or feminine roles.
  • Accepting the physical changes they experience.
  • Finding emotional independence.
  • Identifying and working towards their chosen career path.
  • Crystalising a set of values and ethics – becoming consistent in their approach to life and others.
  • Becoming socially responsible.

With these milestones in mind, there are many ways in which parents are challenged and confronted with how best to negotiate with their adolescent to achieve these tasks safely and without interrupting their child’s development.

 

parenting1The best way to raise a child to adulthood is to ensure that you you yourself are sufficiently raised first.

Parents don’t fail teenagers in adolescence through lack of trying; parents typically fail teenagers when their own triggers and issues get in the way of healthy negotiations with their coming-of-age teenagers. When a parent negotiates with their teenager on an aspect of this transition to adulthood well the coming of age process is supported. When it is negotiated poorly, with shouting and rigid positions, coming of age is thwarted.

We now know that issues that are unresolved in paretns typically transfer down to the child and although they can lie dorment in the child for many years, when adolescence comes this can often be the time that parents realise their child has these same issues. This can be a very confronting and tomultuous process for parents and can leave them with a tricky dilemma ; how can I show my child how to accept these parts of their own growing adulthood when I have not accepted them in me?

The pendulum swing- do parents know whats best for their children.

Its reasonable to say that one part of learning how to parent is taking and using what worked from when you were a child and leaving what didn’t work for you as a child.

We all know parents, maybe its even ourselves, who have looked back on the shortcomings of how they were raised and after some consideration have decided “ I don’t want to make the same mistakes my parents made with me”, or “I’ll never do to my kids what my paretns did with me”.

I call this the pendulum swing. Parents who were raised in overly restricture and conforming families often raise children with a lot of freedom and too few constraints. Alternatively, parents who were raised with too few rules, leaving them unguided or unboundaried, can often end up with a parenting approach that’s over-controlling and over imposing on their children.
I call this the pendulum swing because what happpens is an arbitrary and total spitting out of their parents approach to parenting. Resulting in a polarised or opposite approach to raising their children than the way they were raised.

This pendulum swing decision can lead to blindspots in ones approach to parenting. These blindspots typically go unnoticed in childhood, yet they are quickly pointed out once children reach adolescence.

The risk with this approach is that the parent decides on whats best for the child, based on needs that were unfulfilled in their own childhood; I call this fulfilling phantom needs. The needs are phantom because they are assumed to be important for the child, because they were important for the parent. What is often left unexplored is how important are these needs for the child and their own unique development.

So how do you get this right?

The easiest way to be able to negotiate what’s right for your child, as well as for you as the parent, is to face how you feel about the way you were raised. To understand which emotional thirsts were not quenched and what that has meant for you in your life. The more a parent understands their inner world, their unmet needs, their fears and their buried feelings towards their upbringing, the less these concerns will get in the way of seeing their children and the more they will be able to really respond to their child and see what the child truly needs.

parenting3The best and the worse in us. – How to change their behaviour through changing ours.

When parents feel that the behaviours their teenager is displaying is beyond their understanding or control, they often turn to psychologists and counsellors for help. Typically the conversation starts with “ can you see my child, theres something not ok going on”. You can imagine their surprise when they hear the therapist say “ so you think theres something wrong with your son?, ok , when can you and your spouse begin couples therapy then?”

A common dynamic when a child goes off the rails is for the parents to focus their energy on fixing the child. What goes unnoticed in this process is that typically the child is acting out due to whats going on in their parent’s relationship. Often this is hard for parents to hear, and usually its not the case that the parents have been bad or neglectful parents; its often that theres just some kind of dynamic that exists in the family that the parents may be OK with, but the child is not.

For example when there is extreme hostility between parents a child often becomes naughty or sick to unsonciously change the focus away from the fighing and back onto the child.

There are as many examples of how this plays out as as there are parents with children. Whats important to remember is that to shift the responsibility for things to change onto the parents allows the child to no longer be “the problem”. As such the child is able to then stop identifying themselves as “the problem” which of course is a very empowering shift in a child/adolescents self view.

This also allows parents to look at their children’s unwanted behaviours as clues to what may be occuring within themselves and their spousal relationship, providing them ample opportunity to grow in themselves and in their marriage.

Some basic questions to ask yourself when you are considering taking your child for counselling , or where you feel your child is behaving inappropriately , are :

  • What is it that my child is doing that I don’t accept? Where doesn’t this behaviour or dynamic play out in myself and/or my marriage?
  • What am I trying to change in them? Where have I not made this change myself ? How can I make that change in myself to show them how its done?
  • Which rules or boundaries that my child breaks make me the angriest? When these rules are broken what feelings are under my anger? ( often its sadness, fear and powerlessness ). How can I get to understand these feelings in me?

 

Back Pain and Chiropractic

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Chiropractic Back PainThe back or spinal column is the central support structure of the body, and is therefore crucial to our functioning ñ most especially our mobility. The nerves that radiate out from the spinal cord are essential to the operation of every muscle, nerve and organ in the body ñ so if they become trapped or pinched in any way, they can affect our posture and movement significantly. This is often what happens when the discs that cushion the spinal column become worn or rupture. Other sources of back pain involve injury or strains to the muscles of the back ñ often from unusual movements or over stretching. Lifting and carrying with poor techniques also places strain on back muscles, especially if the knees are not bent, and the back ends up taking all the stress. Typical symptoms of a back problem include headaches, localised pain in the neck or back which may radiate to the shoulders, arms or legs. Chiropractic treatment is a popular alternative to invasive surgery or conventional medication, and is a recognised profession by the medical establishment.

 

What is Chiropractic Treatment?

Chiropractic treatments and chiropractors are primarily concerned with the alignment of the spine, and to a lesser extent the skull and pelvis, using a range of techniques to adjust it. This is designed to allow the nervous system to function without impediment. Techniques used include hand pressure and gravity as well as specialised equipment, including adjusting tables and wedges. A chiropractic adjustment utilises force applied to a joint, with the intention of encouraging normal motion and function. Chiropractors are health professional that typically undergo tertiary education, are regulated by government and must be registered to practice ñ so they are qualified to deal with a range of back problems.

 

How Can Chiropractic Treatment Help Back Pain?

A holistic assessment of the patient is first conducted to determine what may be the origin of the condition or ailment. A treatment plan is then devised which may consist of physical treatment or adjustment, exercises and advice on preventative measures that can be followed. Adjustment methods may involve a range of techniques, including quick or slow movements, and constant pressure. Depending on the condition or ailment, this is typically an ongoing program of supportive care, with repeated visits until the problem recedes.

If you are considering chiropractic treatment as a therapy for your back pain, ensure that you consult a trained and qualified chiropractor.