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What attracts us to our loved ones is what ends up repelling us.
Relationships are funny things. No two are alike and yet, at the same time, all share many similarities as well. One such similarity we all share in are times of frustration with our loved ones.
I often speak with couples having hard times in their relationships or marriages and they often sound quite clear on what their partner is doing that is flaring up their frustrations. At some point I always ask what it was that first attracted them to their partners and what they initially fell in love with and, like clock work, their answers reveal that the things they loved and cherished in each other, as they fell in love, were the same qualities that frustrate them now.
For example, seven years ago John fell in love with Louise; he loved how care free she was and how spontaneous and in the moment she could be. He was much more ordered and practical and was more used to a life well planned out, a life without too many surprises. John was attracted to those qualities in Louise, which he himself would have liked to possess.
Louise, on the other hand, fell in love with John’s solidity. He was grounded, stable and practical, all qualities which she was attracted to which she wasn’t accessing in herself, and qualities which were needed to balance her out.
Now fast-forward seven years. John is frustrated with Louise and needs her to change. In his mind she is inconsistent with her commitments and responsibilities and he is angry that he can’t rely on her to do things when he feels they need to be done in the home. As a result he is feeling unsupported and let down. He wishes that she could be better planned and fly less by the seat of her pants.
Louise, on the other hand, is feeling squashed and forced to live in a way that doesn’t suit her style of being. She wants John to ease up and take more risks in life. She is bored with the blandness of their relationship and wants more excitement with him.
This is typical example of how the qualities that attract couples end up eroding the warmth they have for each other. As a result of this, the qualities which partners fell in love with often become the same qualities they try to change about each other.
In my line of work as a couple’s counsellor, I often find myself saying to one or both partners, “That’s not going to happen”, or “He is not going to give you that”. Couples are often startled to find that I don’t roll up my sleeves and help them change their partners.
When couples find themselves in the situation of trying to change their partners so they feel better about themselves the role of therapy is to interrupt this trance rather than empathise and support with their needs to change the other.
The undeniable truth with relationships is that those we love are also our burdens. Too often we just want to take the parts that work for us right now and leave the rest of them in the bottom drawer.
For many couples, the magic bullet to getting back on track with their marriage and finding more harmony again is to be able to look at their partner and say, “this is who they are, and this is who they will continue to be”. Once this is acknowledged, a different and scarier reality is seen by each of them.
At this point couples often see that they struggle to love each other for who they truly are; eventually this leads to a more useful and practical question to ponder, and that is “How do I learn to live with this person for who they truly are, while living with who I truly am too”?. And the answer to this is, of course, will be different for us all.
Why is sore spot not necessarily the problem?
When it comes to muscles, there are two main reasons that pain or tension is caused by another area of the body; feedback issues from nerve compression or satellite referral via active trigger points.
Feedback
If you have tension within your joints (hips, shoulders ect..) or areas with complex small muscle mass (neck), it is likely that you have some form of feedback issue in your extremities. Feedback refers to the nerve signal returning from your extremities to your brain, not the signal from your brain to your extremities. If nerves are compressed along the pathway back to the brain, the brain senses that there is a problem in the extremity due the nerve disruption. In actual fact, the extremity may be fine, however, due to the brain believing that there is damage of some form, the area is ordered to guard itself by tightening the muscles in the area. Short term this is not problematic, however, over a prolonged period of time this excessive tension results in muscular issues in the extremity (pain or weakness).
In treating this condition, it is not uncommon for a therapist to treat the local area of pain or tension, which does provide relief, however, if the compression causing feedback issue is still present the pain or tension will return fairly promptly.
Treatment for issues relating to extremities should always be treated from the point of referral outward, treating the catalyst before the presenting problem area.
Satellite Referral
Satellite referral is an effect caused by active trigger points in a muscle. Every trigger point has a specific referral pattern; however, at times this can change and puzzle therapists and practitioners, often resulting in poor diagnosis.
When a trigger point is active and referring for a long period of time, or the problem is more compound, due to injury etc.. the referred pattern from trigger point A will activate trigger points that fall within the initial referred pattern of point A and add their own referral range to the initial trigger point B referral, thus creating a domino effect.
Treating referral pain requires good knowledge of myofacial referral patterns in the body, muscular groups and connective tissues. Trigger point therapy and sports massage excel in treating this condition, so if this sounds familiar to you, then this is another option which you may not have considered.
Benefits of Trigger Point Therapy
Trigger Point Therapy focuses on relieving referred pain or sensation (pain, tenderness, pins and needles, numbness and burning). A trigger point is a point of bound / taught fibres in a muscle, often referred to as muscle knots, a point of heightened tenderness or sensitivity, which prevents full usage of a particular muscle. Active trigger points have predictable referral patterns, some causing pain locally to the effected trigger point, others referring to other regions of the body. Due to this referral, a domino effect in terms of pain or injury can occur if trigger points are left untreated; this meaning an area previously unaffected by referred sensation may become affected.
From a patients perspective.
Trigger Point Therapy is a compression of the point of tenderness, which temporarily heightens the sensation already experienced due to additional pressure being applied to the area. The pressure must be held and maintained in order to obtain a release; in terms of sensation, it feels as though the practitioner holding the point is slowly releasing pressure, in actual fact the point is releasing / relaxing, which gives a sensation of relief as muscle function is improved and referred sensation is reduced.
Trigger Point Therapy with Massage.
Massaging an area with active trigger points can be painful; however, when massage and trigger point therapy is combined a practitioner can release muscles far more effectively. Remedial massage greatly increases blood flow to muscles, while trigger point therapy releases regions within muscles with restricted blood flow, thus providing nutrients to depleted muscle fibres in a more effective fashion. Active trigger points create a local twitch response (often confused with a muscle spasm); if a trigger point is left active after massage it won’t be long before it becomes tight and sore again due this twitch response, as the muscle is over engaging. Releasing trigger points allows for far greater fibre release with slow / stretching massage, which increases range of movement and encourages capillary growth, resulting in healthier muscle fibres.
In terms of performance: Clients who I have treated with trigger point therapy gain longer periods of relief and suffer less issues with their lymphatic system in terms of acid and other waste build up in their muscles; this meaning greater endurance and performance. If you enjoy sport and like massage, this is definitely something to consider within your fortnightly to monthly massage. Note: Trigger points take time to release, so treatment should be focused on a specific area of the body, not all over, to get the best results.
Myofascial Trigger Point Therapy
Myofascial Trigger Point Therapy is a technique used by Massage Therapists which was developed over 50 years ago. Direct pressure is applied to a specific muscle that has become contracted or over-lengthened for extended periods of time preventing it from returning to its rest position.
Trigger Points, also commonly referred to as “knots”, are felt as painful areas in the muscles that cause pain to refer into other parts of the body. The individual may also experience symptoms such as tingling, numbness, burning, as well as weakness and restricted range of motion in the affected muscle. These points can occur in any part of the body, but are often most likely to be found in the upper back or neck. Trigger points will usually occur on both sides of the body, with one side being more symptomatic than the other.
Upon compression by the therapist, the trigger point will often reproduce the individual’s pain pattern. As the muscle relaxes, the pain and discomfort should then diminish. Massage therapists will apply pressure to trigger points using their thumbs, knuckles and elbows, as well as with specialised treatment tools. T-bars made of wood, plastic or metal, often rubber capped, may be used.
The most common causes of trigger points are poor posture, structural imbalances, repetitive activity and overuse, emotional factors, and direct trauma or injury.
A Knotty Problem
It is likely that most individuals have at some point in time experienced sensations of pain and discomfort caused by “knots”, also known as Trigger Points. These are painful areas in the muscles that cause pain to refer into other parts of the body, as well as create symptoms of weakness and fatigue.
A Trigger Point is the body’s response to a physical, emotional or chemical disturbance where the muscle becomes contracted or over-lengthened for extended periods of time preventing it from returning to its rest position. This then restricts the movement of the muscle and decreases circulation. The muscle then becomes deprived of nutrients and oxygen, which results in a collection of metabolic waste.
The most common causes of Trigger Points are poor posture, structural imbalances, repetitive activity and overuse, emotional factors, and direct trauma or injury. These points can occur in any muscles of the body, but are most commonly found in the neck and upper back. Trigger points can themselves bring about a variety of issues, such as tension headaches, tinnitus (ringing in the ears), jaw pain, lower back pain and carpal tunnel syndrome.
Trigger Points can be effectively treated with massage therapy where direct pressure is applied to the area in question. Upon compression, the Trigger Point will often reproduce the individual’s pain pattern. As the muscle relaxes, the pain and discomfort should then diminish.
Self care is also important to help prevent the re-occurrence of Trigger Points. This can include using a heat pack when muscles are tense or painful, having hot baths after treatment, keeping well hydrated, and carrying out simple stretch and range of motion exercises. Your massage therapist will be able to assist you with such exercises, and is also there to answer any questions or concerns that you may have.